Cocoa Beach, FL – Chocolate, the delight of the world, passed away in her adopted hometown of Cocoa Beach on Sunday, September 4, 2050, to global warming/cooling on what would’ve been National Chocolate Day.
Born in Mesoamerica in 450 B.C., she went through many men, where she was mixed and molded to fit their flavor and image, and, at any given time, has been Belgian, Dutch, and Swiss (among others), and been known as Dove, Godiva, and Ghirardelli (among others).
Chocolate was beloved by the world; even those who were allergic often longed for her. She enjoyed a variety of forms and fillings–ranging from bars and truffles to caramel and nuts. She loved being wrapped and boxed and paired with strawberries and red wine; her favorite, however, was being melted and running through fountains at special events and fondue nights where she covered a variety of subjects.
Sometimes she was naughty, serving as the third component of a ménage à trois; sometimes she was nice, surprising children as a chocolate bunny in their Easter baskets.
She was every girl’s best friend during PMS and was often the peacemaker after a domestic spat. She was the muse of numerous culinary artists and women authors.
Most of all, she was the only form of guaranteed pleasure for women.
She will be remembered for her versatility and ability to make every get-together better. Though she felt overexposed at times, especially when it came to breakfast cereals, she was happy to make life sweeter wherever she could.
Chocolate is survived by White Chocolate, her frenemy of many years with whom she has not known to have collaborated with on any candy bar, though they have, much to their chagrin, been lumped into the same batch of cookies. Chocolate is also survived by her numerous aficionados, many of whom will be turning to cheap alcohol and mediocre sex in her absence.
Visitation will be at 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday, September 6, 2050, with a celebration of life memorial service immediately following the visitation at 3:00 p.m. at Divinity Chapel, 6969 Heaven Hwy., Cocoa Beach, FL.
In lieu of edible flowers, memorial donations may be made to the Warhol Campbell Soup Kitchen.