The Shutterfly Edition
She wrote about “Florida Woman,”
he, “Florida Man,”
each always seeking to outdo the other
by finding the most outrageous characters
who had done the most outrageous things;
but when the newspaper had to cut corners,
namely, their offices,
leaving these columnists feeling several stories too short,
they had to reinvent themselves in this new era
of shrinking newsrooms,
so they collaborated on the “People of Pensacola” project,
humanizing those they had once lampooned.
When Passive Voice met Active Voice,
Active believed ze was editorially superior
while Passive believed ze was the target
of numerous microaggressions,
perpetrated by English teachers,
but when they met Passive-Aggressive,
who wasn’t just talk,
P & A literally joined forces,
realizing that both had their place—
Active, when the question was “Who?”
when the question was “Who cares who?”
When Scholar Lee wrote her story
in the 1st person,
she was accused of making it all about herself;
when she revised it to reflect the 2nd person,
she was accused of telling her readers what to think;
when she rewrote it in the 3rd,
she was accused of being a know-it-all,
so she decided that she would write poetry,
where the only voice that mattered
was her own.
They were known as “The Plasmatics”—
Paisley, Sage, Rosemary, and Tim—
trading blood money for gas money
every Tuesday and Friday,
after Gender Neutrality class.
From Subway left over from various campus events,
to ramen from the campus food bank—
they kept their bodies operating at a good 80%—
enough to know the difference between zim and whazim.
So they sold their cloudy gold by the pints,
earning bonuses and rewards like lab rats,
until the day Tim went numb in the arm
from an inept phlebotomist,
and went to selling his sperm,
thinking himself a modern-day Father Abraham,
leading where the girls could not follow.
Groused, they did,
at the inequality of his ability to make the deposits,
while they were reduced to being the withdrawers.
until they realized the upside of membership in such a bank:
They never had to worry about being overdrawn.
Grammarcity Park had two regions—
the rotten North Egg,
and the equally rotten South Egg—
hatched by two gangs known as
“The Pros” and “The Seven Cons”
(the latter also known as “The Fanboys”).
Though such activity was criminal
in this dark city—
overpopulated with commas,
nightly knifings with em dashes,
and unclean colons—
little was done to muck out
this den of corruption.
One night of Celtic Thunder,
the Fanboys decided the only way
to defeat the South Pros
was by appealing to the Chicago-style
and, in the name of equality,
forcing them to become
thus stripping them of their
the core of their identities.
And so, while the Pros were trying
to figure who was who
and what end was up,
“The Fanboys” band played on,
still making connections.