Poem-a-Day April 2019 Writer’s Digest Challenge #27. Theme: Direction #aprpad

Saying No to the One-Man Creepshow

He was Stan–
Stan the Man,
he said.
She was Jan–
Jan with the big cans,
she said,
which was why
she did not need
Stan the Man
with his ooey, too-dewy
wandering hands.

When he asked to take her to bed,
she said,
“Never to bed,
even if we wed.”

“In a car?” he asked.

“Never in a car–
no matter how fast or how far.”

“In an elevator?”

“Never in an elevator–
no matter how high or how low,
you will never be the way I go.”

“In the grass,
under a tree,
or on the roof,
facing the sea?”

“Never in the grass
or out of the grass,
under a tree
or over a tree,
on a roof
or off a roof–
not even off my rocker–
whether facing,
or defacing,
the sea.
You are gross,
you are gross,
don’t you smell,
don’t you see?”

“Try me,
try me,
you might like me,
you shall see.
Just one kiss,
and you will be in bliss.”

She shook her head and said,
“This ain’t green eggs and ham.
If I take you in,
I can’t just spit you out,
and swallowing,
with my being Catholic,
is not allowed.”

And so Stan the Man
became Stan the Mailman,
delivering only those
oh-so discreet packages
that women really wanted
(batteries not included).

2019 April PAD Challenge: Day 27

Poem-a-Day April 2019 Writer’s Digest Challenge #3. Theme: Animal #aprpad

When Words Hurt

He was a party animal,
she, a wallflower he plucked
from a garden
with bookworms.
When she threw the book at him
for disturbing her peace,
he ended up reading it,
for the bump that
My In-Law is an Outlaw
had left on his frontal lobe
had made him forget himself.


#Micropoetry Monday: The Lighter Side

He brought her fresh milk every morning,
& she gave him fresh eggs,
which put a bun in her oven.
When the big cheese came home
& saw a skim,
curly-headed ginger snap
running around,
he waited for Mr. Grade A
(who’d lived up to his name
among the baker’s dozen
whose husbands were away)
& turned him into a hunk of Swiss.

When the Big Cheese was away,
the mice loved to chatter.
When the Big Cheese came back,
she found that their story
about being spread too thin
from the daily rind
was full of holes.

She was always told that too many chefs spoiled the soup,
but Amelia Debilia didn’t listen to her mama.
She found 3 TV chefs—
the annoying English Basil with the Gumby pompadour,
the Asian Ginger,
& a sprig of a woman named Rosemary—
all who tried to make the world believe
that the only way to eat meat was mid-rare.
She chopped them up fine &
sprinkled them into her cast-iron pot,
creating what she deemed fusion cuisine.
When her unknowing mama tasted what she had done,
she’d shaken her head & said,
“You have to remember to take their clothes off first.”

Writer’s Digest Wednesday Poetry Prompt #472: Double

Double Play

Daly Dubble, in his double-breasted monkey suit,
was doing double-duty at the Do Drop Out,
when along came a pair of twins with their Double Ds,
on a double date with their body doubles,
making dubious Daly think he was having double vision.
Hitching up his double chin,
he approached them on the double,
bearing double scotches
& telling them (with a double wink) that
“A little double do ya.”

Wednesday Poetry Prompts: 472

#Micropoetry Monday: Opposites


Sham & Wow were an odd couple,
Sham, the messy one,
Wow, the neat one,
but together,
they were the perfect oddity
that was a commodity,
for without the Wow,
Sham was a fraud,
& without the Sham,
Wow was just a common,

He was Generation X,
she, Generation Y.
Though algebra wasn’t her thing,
she knew enough to know that
this x+y was the solution,
not the problem.

Lil’s passion was dumbbells & barbells,
Lily’s, poetics & texts of the literary kind,
but they were the best of friends—
until they shared a love for a thing called Chad,
who was as well-muscled as he was eggheaded.
When 2 sets of scratches ended up on his back,
that’s when the cat nipping turned into a
no-nails-barred cat fight.

#Micropoetry Monday: The Lighter Side

Chaos & Control were 2 of a mother,
Chaos, preferring the surf side any day,
Control, poolside & the sound side
only on green flag days.
Control retained her hourglass figure,
whereas Chaos had been as shapely
as every fruit in the basket.

Sir Benedict was a good egg,
always on the sunny side,
though sometimes he got scrambled
when he came out of his shell.
He could also be hard-boiled when unwell,
when his chicken-hearted mother,
who was bit on the overly easy side
would coddle him,
basting him with soup–
courtesy of one of his relatives.

Mr. Ruffles was known for his candies—
his chocolaterie being a real jimdandy.
Yet he was pounded into mincemeat,
when he dipped the shroomy truffle sweets
into the magic that made him randy.

Mock Christmas letter

ccard (1)

Dear __________:

Ah…Christmas!  Time for the yearly Von Krank family update!  I know y’all keep on top of us via Facebook and Instagram, but who doesn’t love an in-depth letter you can treasure for years to come?  (That’s why I made this piece of correspondence totally frameable/scrapbookable with our family crest on the letterhead and 1000-thread count paper.)

So, Nick and I just celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary September 12th.  (Thank God it wasn’t the day before, right?!)  For our anni (which is crystal, FYI), he served me the most awesomesauce chocolate raspberry waffles in bed (among other things, if you know what I mean).  I not only have a hot husband, but a top chef.

Ashleigh, our oldest, just made the eighth-grade cheerleading squad and was crowned Miss Sea Oat (which is a beauty pageant, for those of you who don’t know about that sort of thing).  She also just started a green initiative at her school by getting all her classmates to sign a pledge to turn off the water when they brush their teeth.  It’s the little bitty things that add up to the great big things, you know!

Kimberleigh is very involved in softball and volleyball, and now she’s trying out for swimming.  She could have made the Olympic team, but alas, she much prefers the harp.  She’s already on her way to either Harvard or Carnegie Hall.  What a stressful decision that will be when the time comes!

The twins, Kellie and Joshie, continue to surprise us daily with their antics.  (I’m sure you’ve seen all the videos I’ve posted.)  I do believe they’ll become YouTube sensations one day!  I mean, seriously, strangers stop to watch them sometimes!  

And let me just throw in a little good news:  Nick got a promotion!  He is now the senior Vice President of Operations for the Hillsdale division of Laura Palmer handbags.  I get a brand-new bag every single month, but the ones that don’t quite fit me, I donate to the women’s shelter.  They have such a need, and I just love giving back!

As for me, I am utterly fulfilled being a stay-at-home mom and volunteering Saturday mornings at the soup kitchen to help feed all the little less fortunates.  They really are diamonds in the rough. Some of their signs are so clever, and oh, the stories some of them tell! I find myself wishing I lived a life half as exciting.  I have to be careful about helping them out too much, even though my heart goes out to them.  Got to pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps, you know!  What a tremendous responsibility it is to be good stewards of so much of God’s money.

I’m sorry we won’t be able to see all y’all this year, but we’ll be vay-caying (doesn’t that sound like Pig Latin?) in New Zealand so that our children will be exposed to another culture.  (They need a little diversity.)  We’ll be sure to keep you posted on all that, so you won’t miss a minute of it! We’ve become quite the world travelers, as of late.

God has truly blessed us!  Hope all y’all are doing even half as well as we are!  If you need anything at all, please just let us know, and we’ll be prayin’  for ya!

Happy holidays and an even happier New Year!

The Von Krank family