Interoffice email (satire)

To: kconner, cmiller, wspencer, ccarnes, csimon, gjorgensen



Subject: Welcome back! 

Hey, team!

Though we may have entered a newer normal, I am certainly feeling the synergy. 

Karen, regarding Project Blue Ball, let’s take this offline. Use this opportunity to knock this low-hanging fruit out of the way and circle back when we reconvene.

These are unprecedented times, but let’s take a deep dive, reach out, and stand in solidarity with our community to create a more inclusive (and less reclusive) environment. 

Connor and Wyatt, I know you said you don’t have the bandwidth right now, but let’s put more thought into finding a thought leader to speak at the next “See and Say” meeting, which will be a real game-changer.

Chad and Carly, our newest change agents—just keep giving it 150% and taking it to the next level. You’ve brought some much-needed blue-sky thinking to the company.

And last but certainly not least, to our intern Gunnar, thanks for taking ownership and spinning your wheelhouse. Squeak, squeak!

At the end of the day, I think we’re all singing from the same hymnsheet. Let’s just keep pivoting and thinking outside the box. 


Tanner T.

The Death of Chocolate


Cocoa Beach, FL – Chocolate, the delight of the world, passed away in her adopted hometown of Cocoa Beach on Sunday, September 4, 2050, to global warming/cooling on what would’ve been National Chocolate Day.

Born in Mesoamerica in 450 B.C., she went through many men, where she was mixed and molded to fit their flavor and image, and, at any given time, has been Belgian, Dutch, and Swiss (among others), and been known as Dove, Godiva, and Ghirardelli (among others).

Chocolate was beloved by the world; even those who were allergic often longed for her.  She enjoyed a variety of forms and fillings–ranging from bars and truffles to caramel and nuts.  She loved being wrapped and boxed and paired with strawberries and red wine; her favorite, however, was being melted and running through fountains at special events and fondue nights where she covered a variety of subjects.

Sometimes she was naughty, serving as the third component of a ménage à trois; sometimes she was nice, surprising children as a chocolate bunny in their Easter baskets.

She was every girl’s best friend during PMS and was often the peacemaker after a domestic spat.  She was the muse of numerous culinary artists and women authors.

Most of all, she was the only form of guaranteed pleasure for women.

She will be remembered for her versatility and ability to make every get-together better.  Though she felt overexposed at times, especially when it came to breakfast cereals, she was happy to make life sweeter wherever she could.

Chocolate is survived by White Chocolate, her frenemy of many years with whom she has not known to have collaborated with on any candy bar, though they have, much to their chagrin, been lumped into the same batch of cookies.  Chocolate is also survived by her numerous aficionados, many of whom will be turning to cheap alcohol and mediocre sex in her absence.

Visitation will be at 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday, September 6, 2050, with a celebration of life memorial service immediately following the visitation at 3:00 p.m. at Divinity Chapel, 6969 Heaven Hwy., Cocoa Beach, FL.

In lieu of edible flowers, memorial donations may be made to the Warhol Campbell Soup Kitchen.

Mock Christmas letter

ccard (1)

Dear __________:

Ah…Christmas!  Time for the yearly Von Krank family update!  I know y’all keep on top of us via Facebook and Instagram, but who doesn’t love an in-depth letter you can treasure for years to come?  (That’s why I made this piece of correspondence totally frameable/scrapbookable with our family crest on the letterhead and 1000-thread count paper.)

So, Nick and I just celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary September 12th.  (Thank God it wasn’t the day before, right?!)  For our anni (which is crystal, FYI), he served me the most awesomesauce chocolate raspberry waffles in bed (among other things, if you know what I mean).  I not only have a hot husband, but a top chef.

Ashleigh, our oldest, just made the eighth-grade cheerleading squad and was crowned Miss Sea Oat (which is a beauty pageant, for those of you who don’t know about that sort of thing).  She also just started a green initiative at her school by getting all her classmates to sign a pledge to turn off the water when they brush their teeth.  It’s the little bitty things that add up to the great big things, you know!

Kimberleigh is very involved in softball and volleyball, and now she’s trying out for swimming.  She could have made the Olympic team, but alas, she much prefers the harp.  She’s already on her way to either Harvard or Carnegie Hall.  What a stressful decision that will be when the time comes!

The twins, Kellie and Joshie, continue to surprise us daily with their antics.  (I’m sure you’ve seen all the videos I’ve posted.)  I do believe they’ll become YouTube sensations one day!  I mean, seriously, strangers stop to watch them sometimes!  

And let me just throw in a little good news:  Nick got a promotion!  He is now the senior Vice President of Operations for the Hillsdale division of Laura Palmer handbags.  I get a brand-new bag every single month, but the ones that don’t quite fit me, I donate to the women’s shelter.  They have such a need, and I just love giving back!

As for me, I am utterly fulfilled being a stay-at-home mom and volunteering Saturday mornings at the soup kitchen to help feed all the little less fortunates.  They really are diamonds in the rough. Some of their signs are so clever, and oh, the stories some of them tell! I find myself wishing I lived a life half as exciting.  I have to be careful about helping them out too much, even though my heart goes out to them.  Got to pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps, you know!  What a tremendous responsibility it is to be good stewards of so much of God’s money.

I’m sorry we won’t be able to see all y’all this year, but we’ll be vay-caying (doesn’t that sound like Pig Latin?) in New Zealand so that our children will be exposed to another culture.  (They need a little diversity.)  We’ll be sure to keep you posted on all that, so you won’t miss a minute of it! We’ve become quite the world travelers, as of late.

God has truly blessed us!  Hope all y’all are doing even half as well as we are!  If you need anything at all, please just let us know, and we’ll be prayin’  for ya!

Happy holidays and an even happier New Year!

The Von Krank family

Krystal Ball’s Daily Dose of Snake Oil

Virgo (Virgin, or so she claims)
(Aug 23-Sep 22)

Salutations and congratulations!  Today is your special day!  There may be rain heading your way, but you won’t let it pour on your parade, because your sunny personality (whether hidden under an umbrella or out there for all to see like the light side of the moon) will not be dampened.  Yin is out and Yang is in!

Your longing for love has been realized; a love story is writing itself—your self-love story!  Your soulmate is getting hot, hotter, but you are already on fire; if you haven’t met this kindred spirit already, perhaps it’s as easy as looking into the mirror.

There are some important decisions to be made; whether big or small, what you choose will determine your future, if not present, happiness, so go with your gut (which operates optimally when full.)  Today is the beginning of the rest of your life!

Drink more water to your health, and you just might find yourself in the right place at the right time, or not at the wrong place at the wrong time.

A bit of good fortune is heading your way some day in the future, so be prepared by being there, like really there.  Live in the moment and not in your head, because it may pass you by if you’re not paying attention.

Something big is coming!

Writing Prompt: Experimenting with Hybrid Fiction


Like the New Wave of French cinema in the fifties and sixties, there is another form of writing taking shape, called hybrid fiction.  I have experimented with a few of these forms, and have found they spark my imagination—take my mind in diverse directions.

The following are frameworks, or foundations, that the hybrid uses as a structure, and then goes from there:

1. Advice column
2. Board/card game:
3. Christmas letter
4. Church program
5. Deck of cards
6. Last Will & Testament
7. Medical chart/records
8. Obituary (or even an entire newspaper/scrapbook of clippings)
9. Open letter
10. Police report
11. Radio show
12. Recipe
13. Speech
14. “Bressay” (an essay built around a book review):
15. Resumes, e-mails, etc.  This is something Sophie Kinsella has done in her “Shopaholic” series; sometimes they are the funniest bits of the book.  However, considering we already know the character of Becky Brandon (nee Bloomwood), it adds context to these bits, so the real challenge is for these to be able to stand alone.