The Extraterrestrial’s Condition

When all the stars gathered
for one big constellation party,
Cancer & Capricorn got into a Civil War;
Gemini, being Siamese, had it worse.
Leo & Taurus fought like a bull & a matador,
while Pisces–a rather cold fish–
bitched about Aquarius being
too fresh with his salty language,
finally going batfish insane,
flinging Scorpio into the Darky Way,
scaly & scabby from his incessant tail pinching.
Libra felt the weights of the universe on him,
hitching a ride on Halley’s Comet
to regain his equilibrium.
Sagittarius fancied himself as Cupid,
setting his arrow on Virgo,
until he found out from Ophiuchus
that horny Aries was more her type–
that her burgeoning lusciousness wasn’t from too many
Moonpie shakes at the Starlight Diner.
Even a loser in love like him had to admit that
it was a bad sign.

Note: Ophiuchus is the lesser-known, thirteenth sign of the zodiac.